OPINION: Make America Great (Britain) Again

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The longest government shutdown in U.S. history recently ended, clocking in at 35 days. Even though the shutdown will inevitably bring about a myriad of negative ramifications, I’m not writing to regale you with an analysis of domestic policy or party relations (the idea itself serves as a contradiction; one cannot be regaled and bored to insanity simultaneously). There’s a time and a place for serious politics, but luckily this is neither the former nor the latter.

Rather unrelated to the shutdown, and before I dive into what I consider a stroke of diplomatic genius, I’m sure by now everyone’s seen the change.org petition campaigning for  North and South Dakota to join and become “MegaKota.” It’s that idea, along with this article from Barstool, that’s inspired me to draft a petition of my own, for I know exactly how to prevent another shutdown. The only way to escape our self-imposed misery is to beg Queen Elizabeth to take us back – and here’s why.

My nearly complete public school education has enabled me to trace America’s internal turmoil back to the 18th century, when our forefathers decided to part ways with the old world. Ever since we won our independence, it’s been war upon war, ethnic cleanse after ethnic cleanse. We’ve proven time and time again that we as a nation just aren’t ready for self-governance. It was a good learning experience, but enough is enough. If England is willing, and I think she will be once my ideas are published, it’s long overdue that we put the past in the past and make the British Empire an empire once more.

Unfortunately, there exist a few complications in my proposal, and I’d like to address those first. The biggest obstacle in rejoining the mother country is that our crime rate is ridiculous – I’m thinking if we adopt some British legislature and put a stop to some of our own practices we can help them feel safer and more at home. England has some great ideas on gun restriction, and they have universal healthcare (now that the Republicans have slammed their computers shut out of pure, white-hot rage, I have my intended audience), as well as a standardized education system – three principles we’re desperately lacking.

Speaking of which, while we’re making all of these changes, it’s high time we take our least literate states (Alabama, Louisiana, West Virginia, Mississippi, and Arkansas, according to NBC) and relocate their inhabitants to the United Kingdom. They can create a new nation, and outlaw reading, for all I care. We’d have to strike one heck of a deal with Scotland and Wales to get them to border our rejects, but Ireland shouldn’t mind, considering their long standing rivalry with England.

Moving those five states would require a huge effort, but it frees up some space for our new British friends, who will definitely move here, considering we have a much larger population and a much smaller population density. There’s plenty of room either way, though, and this would benefit us greatly – we could even start to populate Wyoming, which last I checked is currently unexplored.

Next, the United States of America would have to make a name change to accommodate our transatlantic friends. Our new denomination has to represent both of our separate identities while also recognizing our newly shared terra firma. I suggest the British-American Commonwealth, but of course this decision is bigger than me. Congress or President Trump or whoever’s running this dump probably wants a say, so if there are any politicians reading this, can you pass my suggestion along?

Not everything can make the trip over, and for our sake I think Britain should leave a few culinary customs on their side of the pond. For example, there’s the very confusing trio of crisps, chips, and fries – at least one of these means chips (as in potato), and another is fries (as in French), but gun to my head I couldn’t tell you what the third means, or the difference between any of them. Another food that has no place in America are scones. Are they biscuits? Cookies? Do they even know what foods I’m referring to? While we’re on the topic of food, I sure hope the English don’t share our affinity for romaine lettuce, because they’re in for a real letdown if they do.

Finally, the Royals need somewhere to live, and I’ve decided the best way to accommodate them is to bulldoze the White House and replace it with a replica of Buckingham Palace. We can probably scrounge up a few folding chairs so her Parliament can join our Congress. My only concern is the English Royal family being in such close proximity to the American Royal family (the Kardashians, that is), but whatever transpires I’m sure it’ll make for great television.

You’re probably wondering what benefit there is in going through the trouble of rooming with Britain, but they’ve been doing this whole “government” thing for awhile now, and I think they’ll really whip us into shape (believe me, after Brexit I had my doubts, but one mistake can’t and shouldn’t stop us from mutual prosperity). They can stay as long as they feel necessary, and hopefully longer. Our combined military, political, and economic prowess will render us unstoppable and more powerful than our separate counterparts could ever hope to be. 

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